Guy Browning
Author, broadcaster and consultant Guy Browning has been described as the David Attenborough of the business jungle. He started his career as an advertising copywriter, went on to be creative director of a marketing consultancy and now runs his own innovations consultancy advising organisations on new products, new ways of working and new ways of communication. Despite this he has managed to retain his sense of humour and is now best known for his hilarious columns in The Guardian and Management Today and his Radio 4 programme Guy Browning’s Small talk. He is author of several books including, Never Hit a Jellyfish With a Spade, Never Push When it says Pull and of course Office Politics.
A vital tool in being a top executive is what some people mistakenly refer to as business jargon. This is actually a specific language so that top executives can communicate effectively with other top executives quickly and efficiently, especially when they're on a train using a mobile phone.
What differentiates a business thought from a normal thought is that business thoughts have a "going forward" at the end of them. Business is all about growth and progress and expansion and you can't do that going backwards. You can alert your colleagues to the fact that you are a person making rapid progress in your career by simply saying "going forward" at the end of anything you say.
Business is all about growth and progress and expansion and you can’t do that going backwards.
There are two things you can do with boxes in business. You can tick them or you can think outside of them. The worst possible thing in business is for you to have an unticked box inside of which you are attempting to think. No one quite knows what's inside the box but we do know that outside of the box there is a lot of blue sky for thinking in. A round box is called a silo and is equally dangerous to be in.
Executives like nothing better than going forward, but this should always be done with other executives. The way to do this is to sing off the same songsheet. It's especially important to be on the same page of the songsheet and, if possible, to be speaking the same language. Often the songsheet has mood music to which it's vital to be attuned. The position in which to stand during the singing is onside or on board. Whilst it is good to be on board with something, this doesn't mean getting into the box.
To be a top executive you must think about money roughly twice as much as you think about sex.
To be a top executive you must think about money roughly twice as much as you think about sex. However, you must never mention the word money in business as this may give the impression you're not motivated by the general improvement of the human condition and concern for the environment. Instead you should concentrate on adding value and increasing margin. Efficient use of capital, investment and resources will help you increase your EBIT, yield or return and if you're lucky you might even net out on the sunny side of the street.
In the business world things are either shaping up nicely or shaping up like a pear. The latter means that the business or project is now going forward in a backwards direction. After a time progressing in a negative way, everything might go belly up or, in extreme cases, tits up. There might also be an initial cock-up, which leads to the tits going up but it's best not to use these two phrases in tandem. Giving criticism in business is a matter of finding a bush and then beating round it. In order not to hurt anyone's feelings you have "friendly evaluation" which, like friendly fire, still hurts like hell.
Executives are never sacked. This would be as bad as being inside the box. Instead they are outsourced, downsized, outplaced, reassigned, promoted sideways, naturally wasted or take involuntary redundancy. Many people leave large companies because they are offered attractive packages (never accept attractive packages that you have not packed yourself or could have been tampered with).
Giving criticism in business is a matter of finding a bush and then beating round it.
Serving customers is not something a business does going forward. For the envelope to be pushed out of the box and through the window of opportunity, customers should first become stakeholders and then delighted beyond their expectations. In order to do this, top executives will go forward the extra mile while wearing the shoes of the customer. And remember, the customer is king (unless she is a woman). Finally, in business you can say exactly the same thing but completely alter the meaning by subtly changing the words: "When can you do a meeting?", "We must have a meeting" and "It was nice to meet you."
Talking Like A Leader from Office Politics by Guy Browning published by Ebury Press © 2006 by Guy Browning.
