42 Degrees - Business from a different angle

Tens of millions of years of living by the laws of the jungle have taught us to be deeply suspicious of anything or anybody new. We respond more favourably to the familiar.

That is why I believe networking – which I define as making the most of the people you meet to your mutual advantage – is so important. Even the briefest meeting with someone can shift you from the 'unknown, be suspicious' file in their head to the 'known, be welcoming' folder. Whether you want to get someone to listen to a business pitch or just make a new friend, good networking can make all the difference.

The classic networking situation is the drinks party or industry conference. You are confronted by a room full of people, many of whom you have never met before. It's a daunting enough prospect for even the most self-confident. But in research, ninety per cent of us admit to being shy, so for most of us meeting a room full of strangers can be a deeply stressful, nerve-wracking, sweaty-palmed ordeal. But don't let it overwhelm you.

After years of attending every type of function imaginable I have learned that if you approach these events with the right attitude you can work a room in a way that makes it a pleasurable, worthwhile and profitable experience for yourself and the people you meet.

It's very tempting, especially at a work-related do, to put on your 'work front' as a way of coping, but this is likely to make you stilted, and probably rather dull company. No one wants to meet a cardboard clerical officer third grade or an automaton of a chief executive. They want to meet a real person, with all their interesting individuality.

So it's important that you bring your full humanity to the party. That's why, as far as networking goes, I don't really distinguish between social and work functions. Being a good networker is a bit like being a member of a religion – you don't practise your faith part-time or sometimes, but all of the time.

The other thing you really must do is embrace any opportunity to network that you're given. That may sound rather OTT when you are talking about, say, a PTA meeting in Lowestoft. But, having decided that you are going to attend an event, be determined to get the very most out of it. As my mother used to say: "Seize the moment!"

If you're not looking forward to going, set yourself a time limit and resolve to work hard at networking for half an hour or an hour. It makes it so much easier if you know you're not going to have to stay forever.

It also helps if you can do a bit of research beforehand on who is going to be there. Whenever possible I try to get hold of the guest list so I can plan whom I'm going to try to talk to. Then I try to learn a bit about them. With well-known people you can just Google their names. If you know something about their work or their hobbies, or that they've just written a book, it gives you things to ask them about.

Of course, the really testing moment comes when you enter the room, on your own perhaps. We've all had that feeling of standing in a doorway, feeling self-conscious, desperately scanning the room for a familiar face. Ideally your host or the event organiser will be lurking nearby to guide you in and find you someone to talk to but, if not, you should try to find the person who invited you and ask them to introduce you to someone. Failing that, you are on your own – it's best to be like that, because without a partner to talk to you'll just have to meet new people.

Some networkers take an almost military approach. They advise you to chat with one person in each corner of the room, because that way you keep moving and you sweep the whole area. Personally I find that a little too mechanical.

I generally walk round the room once to see what is happening, and then I'll find someone who is also on their own to talk to. Smile, walk up to them, offer your hand and introduce yourself: "Hello I am Carole Stone. I met our host at a seminar on private equity the other day. What about you?"

The bar or drinks table is always a good place to strike up conversations, but no matter how nervous you are, don't drink too much. Otherwise you won't remember a thing and all your good networking will be wasted.

Anyway, remember you are there to meet as many people as you can. In fact that's my definition of 'working a room'. So don't just stay talking to the nice man at the bar, get out there and mingle.

It helps if you can try to act more like a host and less like a guest. That means taking some responsibility for introductions and making people comfortable, rather than dithering on the sidelines. It'll make you feel more comfortable and guess what? People like 'hosts' a lot more than 'guests', and they remember them better.

I think there are only a couple of rules for how to conduct yourself when you are talking to people. The first is under no circumstances do that 'looking over their shoulder' thing, it is bad networking. Whoever you are talking to deserves your full and undivided attention – even if you fairly quickly decide you don't have much to say to each other.

Don't go too far the other way and hog them either. You often see people standing square on in conversation. It's called 'hotboxing' and it's ok one to one, but in a group it excludes others from joining in.

The second rule is always to be interested in what the other person has to say. The fact is that people love talking about themselves, so pay full attention to what they are saying. Try to find things you have in common. Everyone has something fascinating about them. Think of it as your challenge to find out what it is.

Don't get stuck with someone – even if they are fascinating. You're here to network, and after three or four minutes it's perfectly polite to move on. If you're in a group by now it's easy: just say, "Excuse me," and leave. But if you are talking to an individual you can't just dump them. Introduce them to someone else you know or, if you can't find anyone, take them with you in search of new company.

My policy with business cards is to have them at the ready but not to scatter them like confetti. Only give them to people you have struck up a rapport with, or someone you want to discuss business with. Give them your card, get theirs in return and say you'll call them in the next day or two. Do it at the end of your conversation, not at the beginning. And do make sure you follow through within a day or two with that idea or proposition you discussed.

After the event, I always review the conversations I had. I check whether I promised to send anybody anything, a newspaper article perhaps or a mutual friend's new phone number. Finally, and most importantly I enter the details of the people I met and hope to meet again into my database, along with comments about their interests and activities. That way I never waste an opportunity to network, or lose a business contact or a new friend.